I feel like shit.
I could say something poetic and meaningful or something like "it comes in waves but can hit you like a rock", but I'm not going to. Well, I just did, but I don't mean it.
It's like ice inside your body. You become so cold and frozen like you can't move. Even when you've had a good day on paper, you can still feel like shit. You sit there crying your eyes out as you stare at your phone screen, unable to move. But you keep watching, keep looking at what triggers you- or what doesn't. You don't always know what triggers you. Sometimes the chemicals just change in your brain. The over-saturated, over-edited lives you see online become too much - even when you're not apart of that life; you just watch from the side-lines.
This past year and a half has been hell for me. Nothing is going right. I don't know why I should keep trying. I'm an empty shell about to explode. A grenade. A ticking time bomb waiting for someone to pull the trigger or stab me in the heart.
Ever since my dad got ill in January 2016, my life changed. Everything was different. I had to adjust to a new normal - a dad with cancer. October 2016 took a complete 360° and my dad died. That's when things really began to get worse, even worse than before. I felt empty, so fucking empty. I still feel so stupid as I even went to school the day he died, yes, you read that right, the day he died. What was I thinking?!
I still feel sad and angry that my dad died, but it's not just that. I'm still so fucking crushed that my best friend ditched me and hates my guts - she won't even look at me in the eyes. I can't get over what happened or move on; I just can't. It overpowers my brain and still lingers in my mind, despite taking place six months ago. I just can't move on. I still bring it up with my other friends even though I know what's done is done and that it's annoying and repetitive to keep bringing it up, but I can't help it as it's always playing in my mind. I just wish I could turn back the clock and not push her away. She never tried to help though, not really. She let me drift off further and further and didn't try and stop me. I was too much. Who would want to be friends with a girl with depression who just lost their dad when instead, you can have so many more, better friends who don't have these issues? It's my fault though. Everything that happens is because of me.
I don't fit in with my other friends, none of them understand or have been through similar situations. One of my closest friends wants to commit suicide so to say I have an unstable environment around me is an understatement. I can't cope with the on-going thought of my friend wanting to kill herself. I can't cope or deal with it anymore but I can't leave her as I'm one of the only reasons that she's still here.
There's still so much more on my plate right now like the fact that my GCSEs begin in just over a week and I'm not prepared in the slightest. I had my first exam yesterday and today which was art but that didn't really feel like an exam as I was literally just drawing, printing and painting for 10 hours which I really enjoyed (plus 2.5 hours next week as I have extra time as I'm dyslexic - don't ask me how extra time works for art as I haven't got a clue). Anyway, my life is a mess, my brain is a mess and I need to vent. This blog shall be that place for now. Maybe one day I'll tell my depression story in detail, or the story of my dad.
Until then,
Breathe and remember that time heals all wounds and one day, you and I will both be clean.
Stay strong, you are loved. I love you.
love, xoxofearlessgirl
Friday 5 May 2017
Tuesday 25 August 2015
Positivity
Positivity. The thing we most struggle with. Okay, yes it's good to be positive but it's not always achievable. Saying and doing are two different things. As one of my teachers says, a positive mindset does good, you achieve more. You shouldn't shove that message down one's throat though, that's the wrong way to approach it. Encouragement. That's what one needs. You need a goal at the end of it, otherwise there's no reason to strive.
Wanting and being are two different things. You may want to be positive, but you can't always be, no matter how hard you try. You can tell yourself you're going to have a good day. That encourages you. But sometimes, it's not possible. Some days are awful, you feel like crap and just want to bury yourself in a hole and cry until you forget why. You push your thoughts back so much that you forget about them, then one day you fall apart, not even knowing or realising why. You can lash out on someone without meaning to. You can break when you least expect it. It's all because of those little pieces of sadness you've pushed away and forgotten about, or at least you think you've forgotten. People don't realise that sometimes you can't help but fall apart inside. People don't often notice because you hide it so well. People don't realise that you need encouragement to do better. People don't realise how much a hug means. It's so simple but true. Even that simple question, 'how are you really feeling?' means so much to someone, to actually know that you care about them, instead of the classic 'how are you?' 'Im fine. I'm okay.' approach. People just ask that to make conversation, not to actually find out their true thoughts. No one ever dares to go in deeper and check again if that person is really okay. No one ever bothers. Yes, that person that feels awful may not want to talk about it, but no one ever asks twice. People need to realise sometimes, they won't voluntarily open up, they are waiting for someone to get it out of them, to ask them what's really wrong. That person that feels awful doesn't want to annoy someone with their problems and worries. They want someone to care enough to ask if they are actually fine. They want someone to actually care. They want someone to help but they are too scared to ask. That's why people explode. They hold it in for so long that they can't keep it in and have to let it out. They have to scream so loud, just to calm down. Sometimes, that isn't possible though. A quiet person won't dare to do that, even when they feel like shit. It's because they don't want to bother someone, because it may seem like they are wanting attention. You could explode when you least expect it. You would want to cry so much and just destroy everything, just to let it out. You could cry until there are no more tears. People shouldn't be left to this though. People need to help them, even when they don't ask for it, otherwise it will get even worse. They need guidance, they need someone to talk to, someone they can trust, even if it's a stranger. They need someone who won't judge. They need someone who will encourage them to get better.
You have to give yourself a little bit of time each day to really think about your emotions. You have to pick out what good has happened today, and what bad has come. You have to think of both sides otherwise it will get worse. You may just end up going down a path where no light is seen, nothing is happy anymore. You have to break loose from your sad thoughts. Just think of one good thing you hope to come of tomorrow. One goal. Give yourself a little encouragement. Even just a simple goal of making your bed that day. Reward yourself with something you love, maybe a movie. You have to remember that every small thing that is good will piece together in the long run and turn into something amazing. Everyday, just add a new goal to your list. Something small, then build it up. Everyday, just give yourself a little time to write down your thoughts on how your day went. Remember that there is always happiness at the end of it all. Think positive about it. Remember why you're doing this. Remember that all of the hell will end one day, however far away that may be. Remember that if you try, anything is possible. Happiness will come.
Positivity may not come everyday, just remember that. Not everyday is a Fairytale. Not everyday is full of rainbows and sunshine. You have to go through storms to get there. No rainbow, no happiness can come without that rain of sadness in your life. That sadness will remind you that there have been better times and will make you want to get better and back to that place. It will give you encouragement to get there. One day you will be clean. One day the sun will come and shine on you. That storm will end.
Remember though, even when you're better, even when you are clean from that hell you've gone through, it doesn't mean you don't miss it. Don't risk going back on that sadness, don't keep waiting on someone who doesn't value you. No one is worth your time if they don't give back. It will hurt so, so much, but it is worth it. Build yourself up, you will become stronger in the long run. Don't fall back on everything you've achieved since that drought of lost hope. Don't risk being hurt again when you know in your heart that those things, that person hasn't changed. Surround yourself with happiness. Treat yourself with some chocolate, a shopping spree or a pamper night with your friends. Don't turn back to what is in the past. Don't wait.
Just remember, be positive,
xoxofearlessgirl
Wanting and being are two different things. You may want to be positive, but you can't always be, no matter how hard you try. You can tell yourself you're going to have a good day. That encourages you. But sometimes, it's not possible. Some days are awful, you feel like crap and just want to bury yourself in a hole and cry until you forget why. You push your thoughts back so much that you forget about them, then one day you fall apart, not even knowing or realising why. You can lash out on someone without meaning to. You can break when you least expect it. It's all because of those little pieces of sadness you've pushed away and forgotten about, or at least you think you've forgotten. People don't realise that sometimes you can't help but fall apart inside. People don't often notice because you hide it so well. People don't realise that you need encouragement to do better. People don't realise how much a hug means. It's so simple but true. Even that simple question, 'how are you really feeling?' means so much to someone, to actually know that you care about them, instead of the classic 'how are you?' 'Im fine. I'm okay.' approach. People just ask that to make conversation, not to actually find out their true thoughts. No one ever dares to go in deeper and check again if that person is really okay. No one ever bothers. Yes, that person that feels awful may not want to talk about it, but no one ever asks twice. People need to realise sometimes, they won't voluntarily open up, they are waiting for someone to get it out of them, to ask them what's really wrong. That person that feels awful doesn't want to annoy someone with their problems and worries. They want someone to care enough to ask if they are actually fine. They want someone to actually care. They want someone to help but they are too scared to ask. That's why people explode. They hold it in for so long that they can't keep it in and have to let it out. They have to scream so loud, just to calm down. Sometimes, that isn't possible though. A quiet person won't dare to do that, even when they feel like shit. It's because they don't want to bother someone, because it may seem like they are wanting attention. You could explode when you least expect it. You would want to cry so much and just destroy everything, just to let it out. You could cry until there are no more tears. People shouldn't be left to this though. People need to help them, even when they don't ask for it, otherwise it will get even worse. They need guidance, they need someone to talk to, someone they can trust, even if it's a stranger. They need someone who won't judge. They need someone who will encourage them to get better.
You have to give yourself a little bit of time each day to really think about your emotions. You have to pick out what good has happened today, and what bad has come. You have to think of both sides otherwise it will get worse. You may just end up going down a path where no light is seen, nothing is happy anymore. You have to break loose from your sad thoughts. Just think of one good thing you hope to come of tomorrow. One goal. Give yourself a little encouragement. Even just a simple goal of making your bed that day. Reward yourself with something you love, maybe a movie. You have to remember that every small thing that is good will piece together in the long run and turn into something amazing. Everyday, just add a new goal to your list. Something small, then build it up. Everyday, just give yourself a little time to write down your thoughts on how your day went. Remember that there is always happiness at the end of it all. Think positive about it. Remember why you're doing this. Remember that all of the hell will end one day, however far away that may be. Remember that if you try, anything is possible. Happiness will come.
Positivity may not come everyday, just remember that. Not everyday is a Fairytale. Not everyday is full of rainbows and sunshine. You have to go through storms to get there. No rainbow, no happiness can come without that rain of sadness in your life. That sadness will remind you that there have been better times and will make you want to get better and back to that place. It will give you encouragement to get there. One day you will be clean. One day the sun will come and shine on you. That storm will end.
Remember though, even when you're better, even when you are clean from that hell you've gone through, it doesn't mean you don't miss it. Don't risk going back on that sadness, don't keep waiting on someone who doesn't value you. No one is worth your time if they don't give back. It will hurt so, so much, but it is worth it. Build yourself up, you will become stronger in the long run. Don't fall back on everything you've achieved since that drought of lost hope. Don't risk being hurt again when you know in your heart that those things, that person hasn't changed. Surround yourself with happiness. Treat yourself with some chocolate, a shopping spree or a pamper night with your friends. Don't turn back to what is in the past. Don't wait.
Just remember, be positive,
xoxofearlessgirl
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